This morning I was pushing Hannah on the swings.  And not the baby swing but the regular "big kids" swing.  She threw back her head and laughed.  To my dismay instead of my baby; I saw a little girl.  When did that happen?  All the sudden she seems to be getting tall, loosing that baby look, talking, growing into a real honest to goodness little girl.

I was hoping to savor those baby days just a little longer...but she seems ready to move on to bigger and better things, like toddler beds and potty training...

It's silly to be so sad, after all she hasn't even hit TWO yet.  And I know there are pleanty of wonderful little girl days ahead of us.  But still it's sad to think I may be leaving the baby days behind forever...

~Newborn Hannah Mae~

It has begun...that big yellow bus has taken them away.  My little Ry-ry started kindergarten, he proudly marched onto the bus like he's been riding it for years!

They awoke without too much cajoling and enjoyed a pancake breakfast.

Then the whole crew trooped outside to watch them get on the bus.

Hannah loves to Dance!  The "Power Lab" sound track from VBS this year is her current favorite.

This weekend was my 10 year high school reunion.  And contrary to what I have said all along...I went.  Last night was fun, as the evening approached I grew anxious...WHAT was I THINKING! I didn't care for high school, I was glad it was over, I wouldn't go back if you paid me.  But then I told myself if nothing else it was going to be a nice dinner with my husband and my best friend and her husband...whom of course we see ALL the time anyway but whatever.

Last night was actually nice.  I enjoyed myself...most of the time.  And dinner was all right...even though no dessert was served...what's up with that??

Today was a "family" picnic.  Given that we didn't really plan ahead and we were rushing there after church, we just stopped at Subway on our way through town.  Turns out almost everyone stopped by Subway...so much for the BBQ.  It was enjoyable once I moved down to sit with another mommy friend, another "local".  Previously while I sat eating my sub I was getting a very much down your nose view on being a stay at home mommy even though the words were trying to say how great it was.  I grow weary of feeling like I'm just a mom AKA LOSER... I had just said this on the way to the picnic how the year I was preggo with Ry, I was 22...guess what all my high school friends were doing that year.  Graduating from collage.  I felt very left out and very much a loser.  My husband was quick (good job hon) to say I was NOT a loser.  And although he's my husband and somewhat required to say I'm not a loser, it boosted my mood a bit and made my smile wider.

Anyway, the picnic's over; we're going back to our lives.  There are people I'm happy I saw.  People I don't care if I see again..but mostly it was good.

Sitting home I read my MomSense Magazine which came yesterday from cover to cover...getting very excited about my mommyhood and the coming year at MOPS .  If you are a Mother of a Preschooler I HIGHLY recommend you look up your local chapter of MOPS and get involved!

So MOM I AM and PROUD. 

This afternoon I was making "Louise's Lemon Scones" and I got to thinking about ole Mibby once again. I told you this character really stuck with me.

Especially in the first book of the Garden Gates series Mibby talks frequently about "whammy's of grief"...you know things are going great and then all the sudden something happens to trigger that overwhelming feeling of grief and loss...I've come to understand her whammy's a little more in the past few weeks.  In the first book of the series she is a fairly recent widow, coping with the loss of her husband.

Last weekend we were attending a bridal shower for my cousin Rebecca who is getting married in the fall.  One of the last presents she opened was a small college frame.  My immeadiate thought was of Jared and how that frame would be just about right for the college I want to put together.  I was already standing in the back by the door with Hannah and was able to slip out for a few moments as unexpected feeling of loss and sorrow threatened to over take me....

Tuesday we were able to take the kiddos to SeaBreeze for the day-- all through the park it seems I was seeing shaggy haired carefree teenage/young adult guys... Jared was never far from my thoughts...especially when I saw a boy who looked like he could have about passed for David's twin.

I try in these moments to offer a prayer for Uncle Bob, Aunt Deb and David whose grief I'm sure far passes my own...

The last sentence from Laura's writing for Jared's funeral...it's going to occupy one of the opening of my college...

We love you and will miss you forever; our cousin, our friend, our love, our Jared. 

It's not really a garden at all...just a small planter that I was able to bring home from Jared's funeral. But I love it.  I intend to nurture it and hopefully allow it flourish.  My sister has transplanted hers into an array of pots and hung a newly framed picture of herself and Jared...but for whatever reason I currently want to keep my garden together.  I found the picture today that I believe I'm going to couple with my memorial garden.  One of all the cousins; the last one we had taken with all of us.  Unfortunately it was pre-Hannah so she's missing but the rest  of us are all there.

I'm happy, sad and a little wistful all at once.  I woke up this morning thinking of Jared...I dreamt of him last night all though I can't really recall more than that.

I've spent well over the last hour looking at pictures, listening to songs, just remembering...and not just Jared, but all of those dear to me...

Watching the "spoonz" video yet again I find myself longing for Grammy's house, for the cousins and a good game of Kick the Can...

The summer is almost over.  It seems to have disappeared in a flash. 

Mik's starting 4th grade, Ryan is going off to kindergarten, Hannah is getting ready to tackle potty training...

Some things seem to change so swiftly, other things not fast enough...seemingly stuck...

All things in their own time I guess.  Keep plugging away one day at a time, savoring each moment whilst it is here...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 niv

It is not going well!  I don't know maybe she's not quite ready... Hannah has given many signs that she is interested and eager to potty train.  Today however it is not going well.

Makenna came in her PJs today and when she got dressed and put on her big girl panties Hannah also wanted panties on.  I bought her a couple packages a week or so ago in antcipation of potty training.  This morning however after about an hour and maybe 20 minutes we have already gone through 6 pair!  The kid is peeing everytime I turn around!

I'm tired and don't really want to deal with this today.  But she doesn't want to put a diaper on... she wants to wear underpants.  We did have one successful trip to the potty.  SO we'll keep at it.

As GT would say- keep on keeping on...

Sooner or later its bound to click...in the meantime I'll keep washing panties and the floor!

Sunday afternoon as we headed out to Grammy's the song "I will praise you in this storm" came on as we turned on the CD player...

Yesterday on the way home I open the CD case to read the words; the following blurb was at the beginning of the song explaining how the song came to be.

"If there ever were a test of our faith-- if there ever were a test of the motives of our worship-- it was when we watched and prayed for a precious little girl named Erin Edwards struggle with a deadly disease for severel years.  The courage, the witness and the worship of Erin's mother Laurie inspired this song.  Sometimes God calms our storms.  Sometimes He chooses to ride them with us."

As we drove to Grammy's on Sunday, I asked God for a sign-- just one that Jared was ok, that he was safe and happy at home with HIM.  Over the course of the last week I know that God has given me not one but at least three signs.  He has given me strength and comfort when I needed it most...

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus