I've had a lot rolling around in my head the last couple days, I've been trying to pull all the thoughts together enough to get an entry out.  I thought I had it once, wrote it all out in my head while I was driving but alas when I sat down at the computer it escaped me.

It all started yesterday as Hannah and I were driving to the steering meeting for MOPS.  She wanted to listen to Camp Rock, requesting that I "turn it up".  So there we were cruising down the road, Camp Rock blaring, singing our hearts out.  The lyrics of her favorite song struck a cord with me...could have been singing about myself...

Lyrics to This Is Me :
I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show, it's time
To let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

I have always been "the quiet girl".  Always. It takes extreme effort for me to open my mouth and let people know how I really think or feel.  The past couple years though I have been growing.  Enough that I can look back and see how far I've come.  A few prime examples~

1. Our Desperate Housewives group, has expanded to include some new mommies...I am now genuinely psyched when we have a new Housewife join.  A few months back when we first explored the possibility it made me sick to my stomach. 
2. RETREAT- I actually enjoyed being in a cabin with some different ladies both last year and this.  I would say several years ago the thought of rooming with someone I didn't really know probably would have been enough to keep me at home.  This year in particular I had a blast in our late night dish sessions.
3. This last one happened as recently as last Sunday.  For the past several weeks I have been filling in teaching Mikayla's Sunday School Class.  Now I have gotten fairly comfortable teaching children.  BUT I always feared teaching the children in front of other adults, even perhaps being overheard by someone walking through the hall.  This past Sunday was my last Sunday to sub, when Mikayla and I arrived Mrs P, the regular teacher was there already starting to pull out the lessons etc...She asked if she could sit in the class.  I had a moment of inward panic but naturally smiled widely and said "SURE!"  Class was great though.  After a couple deep breaths I was able to begin, and go through the lesson without worrying that the regular teacher and incidentally MY teacher as a child was sitting at the table listening.
4. I have also had a few people lately tell me I'm not as quiet as they initially thought.  This makes me smile.

Our steering team is reading Life on Planet Mom, (the theme book for MOPS this year) as our devo/bible study.  Yesterday we discussed the first chapter.  At one point I was asked to answer a question.  I felt like I was in high school again as every coherent thought flew out of my brain.  I finally spit out some kind of answer but I'm not even sure how much sense it made.  The question I had to answer was What part of mothering has personally stretched you the most? And even now sitting here looking at it again, I guess I'm not sure of the answer.  I guess part of the reason is I feel like I always was a mom.  I had Mikayla at 19, so I never had a life of my own.  I went from being a kid to being a mommy.  I never had a career or even went college, being a mom in a way feels like the only identity I have ever had.  Sometimes I feel panicky when I look at my almost three year old realize soon they won't need me anymore, they'll all be off at school and I will have to find an new identity.  Who will I be then?

I'm really not worried about it, I'm enjoying the journey one day at a time.  I know when I get to that point God will have a place for me to fit.  Today I am mommy.  That's who I am, I am happy, I am fulfilled.

As far as the question from MOPS yesterday, as I already stated I have grown and been stretched, I just don't know if it is from being a mom or just growing up, and growing into the Woman God wants me to be, a woman after His own heart.

Today was a Hannah Mae day.  Just her and me this morning.  I had thoughts of going to storytime or doing this or that.  We opted to stay home.  It was cold, rainy and I just didn't feel like doing much of anything, let alone venturing out of the house if I didn't absolutely have to.

So we watched The Hannah Montana Movie yet again.  I made her some new playdough which she thought was like the best thing EVER! She played with it most of the day.  She missed her buddy Makenna though.  Asked about her constantly.  Even set a side some playdough and cookie cutters on the counter for her.

Lunch was pretty much blissful.  She decided she wanted to sit on my lap.  A rare event where we are sitting down eating lunch together anyway.  Usually I feed the kids lunch first and then eat mine after they go down for naps so I can relax.  But today I fixed us some tuna sandwiches and left over potato soup from last night.  She curled into my lap.  Snuggling down after each bite, cuddling close.

One a complete side note everytime I eat Tuna fish these days I remember when Mikayla was around 4 she used to quote one of the opening scenes from Lilo and Stitch whenever we had tuna sandwiches for lunch. 

Mikayla who loves Tuna, thinks its fun to recite the line from Lilo and Stitch  "Do you even know what Tuna is . . .  It's fish!  If I fed Pudge fish I'd be an abomination!  I had to go to the store and buy peanutbutter because all we had was stinking tuna!!!"  For those of you who don't know, Pudge is a fish, whom Lilo claims contols the weather.

This morning after SS I was chatting with my Mikayla and another boy, JH from the class.  They are both ten.  Mikayla has been whining lately about the fact that her two girlfriends are older than her and in the 6&7th grade class which meets during the opposite service.  She is upset because they don't get to hang out as much.  I told her she would survive, and next year she would be back in class with her friends. 

"Yeah but the boys will move up too".  She protested, gestureing to JH. 

"Oh get over, I had to go to sunday school with boys too."  Mikayla made some comment about Uncle Nate being in my class. 

I said, "no Uncle Nate is 5 years younger than me so we were never in the same class."

JH piped up at this point, and said he must be in his thirties then.

"My brother is 24," I said.

"That makes you 29 then!" He said. "I thought you were at least 40!!"

Ryan had a football game scheduled for this afternoon.  As it poured all morning we were really hoping it was going to be canceled.  But when it came time to leave the call had not yet come.  I was staying home due to a massive sinus headache, the girls were staying with me.  Rhett and Ryan headed out.  I was feeling bad about missing seeing my son play, but glad the girls could stay home where it was warm and dry.  I grumbled about the fact my 6 year old was going to have to go play football in the freezing,cold,pouring,rain.

About half and hour after the boys the phone rang, my hubby's number showing up on caller id.  I answered hearing Ryan's little "Hi mama," on the other end.  "My game is canceled." informed me.  "We are coming home."  
   "Oh that's good.  I'm glad you won't have to play in the rain" I told him, "Did you get all the way to the field or did someone call Daddy."
   "Barack Obama called Daddy to tell him my game was canceled."
   I laughed, "Barack Obama called Dddy?  Really?!"

They arrived home a few minutes later.  "So," I said to my husband.  "Barack Obama called you?"
He laughed and said the Team mom had called.  Ryan asked him, "Was it the coach, or was it Barack Obama??"  Apparently those were the only plausible options!

This weekend I went on the ladies retreat with our church.  It was awesome!  The fellowship, the speakers, the singing...it was refreshing and encouraging.

The theme for this year was "Under Construction" Philippians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

What a blessing it is to know that we don't have to be perfect in this life.  That it is a process, God is working on each one of us.  Day by day, one step at a time.  I found it really encouraging listening to the speaker,Marilyn Hontz- she talked of simple yet profound things.  Encouraging us to get in the Word, to pray and to listen for God communicating with us.  It was very encouraging to hear of her struggles with simple things like daily bible study and prayer time.  But how she made that a priority and carved out that time to spend with our Lord. Her testimony was just amazing!  Her life really shows the amazing power of God's healing and forgiveness.  

I can't say I learned anything really new.  I didn't go there feeling like I was really lacking in anything.  But I definately came home filled to overflowing.  With a renewed desire to get into God's word, and read it until he speaks to me.  To pray more for my children, and with my children.

Hannah singing to Hannah Montana

Saturday night was our vow renewal ceremony.  It was awesome.  I've been putting off writing anything just because I feel that I would not be able to do it justice.  It was perfect.  Jacki's decorations were absolutely gorgeous!  The basement was tranformed into a beautiful, romantic reception area.  Our wedding gowns and portraits displayed.  Licia sang, "from this moment"; her girls did the scripture readings as well.

My husband decided that we should write our own vows.  I did not want to...mostly because I did not want to read what I had written in front of the church.  I decided I would because it seemed important to him, I was surprised that he desired to in the first place.  This wasn't about what everyone else thought, so I made myself do it, for my husband.  Now I am so glad we did.  What he wrote was so perfect, poinent and affirming. 

Unfortunately, my husband's mike did not work, while he was loud enough to be picked up on Pastor's I was not.  Which I did not realize at the time.  But several people let me know later they could not hear my vows. Here they are again.

Rhett's:

There's a saying among the Marines that says "Whatever doesn't kill us --makes us stronger."  We've been through some very tough times-- and yet here we are, standing in front of our friends and family dedicating ourselves again to one another and to the Lord after almost 11 years of marriage.  In the movie Fireproof it was said that "fireproof desn't mean that the fire won't come-- but that will will be able to withstand it when the fire does come.' We've been through the fire.  But instead of succombing to the heat and pressure-- we like gold when it is refined-- all of its impurities are burned away and the gold shines brighter and bonds stronger.  When we first started out I though that love was simply a feeling.  Over the last 11 years and especially the last 4 I've learned that love is an act.  Paul says in the book of Ephesians that Husbands ought to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.  From this day forward I vow to love you in exactly that way.  In a way that will make you proud to say I am your husband, in a way that our 3 children can use as an example for their future realtionships.  And in a way that will put a smile upon our Lord and savior's face.  I pledge to you now that when the fire comes again-- that I will be standing beside you-- holding your hand like I did when we frist met at Lake Champion.  I love you-- and will always love youfor as long as my heart still beats.

Mine (much shorter but just as heartfelt):

Nearly elevan years ago I stood by your side promising to be your wife.  Though that promise wavered and was strained it was not broken.  Today I pledge anew my faithfulness, my love and my devotion to honor and cherish you all the days of my life.  To walk beside you no matter where the road leads us.

My darling oldest daughter informed me last night that we kissed "way longer than anyone else." 

The birthday girl at breakfast this morning.

TEN years old!  Mikayla is ten years old today!  I can't believe it, as I look back time  seems to have streaked by in a blur.  I am amazed as this year I have watched her grow, realizing increasingly that she is no longer my little girl.

In the past year she has discovered her musical gift, starting piano lessons, and also trumpet lessons and joined the school chorus.

She also has moved from kitchen assistant to being able to cook meals on her own!  She is an awesome big sister/cuz and is a huge help with Hannah and also Makenna when she is here.

Last week she started the 5th grade.  Hard to beleive next year she will be moving to the middle school...