This morning I awoke with the now familiar feeling of despair.  I longed just to return to bed, pull up the covers and retreat from the world.  As I sat in the kitchen lacking even the motivation to make a cup of coffee, I longed for my teapot, and cheerful blue teacups.  But of course they are packed up with just about everything else, hopefully awaiting a new home in which to belong.  So I just sat in silence, wishing my Bible had legs and would come find me since I didn't have the strength or motivation to go find it.  While the whole thing (obviously) did not wander to me, one verse did.  One that suggested perhaps I did have the power to change my life (and more importantly my attitude) after all. . .  2 Timothy 1:4 (NIV) "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

I sighed and readied myself to take Mikayla out to wait for the bus. Out side in the bitter cold wind God brought a song to mind.  "It is well with my soul".  I smiled feeling my spirits begin to lift.  Back inside the warmth of the house I readied a pot of coffee and went to fetch my Bible and assorted books to do my devotional time.  The heading for this week in my devo was LIFE.  The title for Today's was "Oh that you would choose life!" 

An excerpt from today's page. . .

"Oh, that you might choose life, refusing to be enveloped by and eventually destroyed by heart-crushing sorrow and soul-stealing disappointment!  To choose life is to turn toward GOD with all your heart and soul, to open yourself to new joy as well as additional sorrows.  It is to choose to live fully for God in recognition that there is no real life apart from him and anything less is merely existing."

As I turned to the scripture reading that accompanied I was encouraged more and felt as though I was being gathered into his arms and comforted, gathering the strength and joy I so needed to face today. . .

"Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back…and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life. . ."  Deuteronomy 30:4, 20 NIV

I headed to MOPS this morning full of trepidation, why I'm not sure.  Since MOPS is usually on of the highlights of my weeks and I always look forward to it.

I think part of it is the awkward beginning, we live like 4 minutes from the church and it seems no matter how much I dawdle I'm one of the first to arrive.  I hate standing around, alone, wondering why everyone else seems to have friends and then there's me.

But anyway back to this morning. . .  I smiled bravely trying not to appear as anxious and glum as I felt.  The meeting would begin shortly and I could just blend in. 

The speaker past out her hand out. . . across the top was written "Gaps in your Life? Seek Wisdom".  Her talk was taken from the book, God will make a way: what to do when you don't know what to do.  Anyway her talk was wonderful, and I felt inspired and not quite so alone.

God Will Make a Way

Today was my best friend's baby shower.  It was pretty fun, and I think I did a fair job of fighting off my baby envy and just being happy for her. 

I finished her quilt last night and I love it, it turned out pretty good if I do say so myself.  Aimee LOVED it too.  It made me pretty happy. . .

Of this I am sure.  Seems like no matter how hard I try I'm continually thrown into the valleys.

Actually things aren’t as bad as they first seem.  But when looking at life through the clouded lens of a blinding head and fragile newly mended broken heart . . . well things can be a little iffy.

Thankfully though my mother managed to unearth some Excedrin somewhere in the kitchen cabinet and the pain has subsided enough to join the land of the living again.  Of course today was the one day I had actual plans.  Oh well, nothing that can’t wait until later.  I am nearly finished with the baby (my best friend’s) quilt.  The shower is tomorrow and I had thought that there was no hope in finishing it.  Yesterday however, I felt really crappy too, Ryan and I spent all day watching movies and I quilted away.

Hopefully I’ll continue on the up hill climb today. . .

I am so excited-- I can hardly stand it!!

I just got a peak at the new spring products for PC!  I can hardly wait!  The new colors are some of my favorites!  Bright and cheery!

I can hardly wait for my change over kit to arrive to get a closer look!

Today I am optimistic about the possibilities of the coming year.  I see good things on the horizon.  I was reminded yesterday of how easy it is to forget our blessings and focus on troubles.

Yesterday in SS we all wrote on a piece of paper something positive about everyone in class.  I’m pretty sure I did this in elementary school—my teacher called in warm fuzzy day.  But even “grown ups” need to be remind of the positive light in which others see them. 

I have the added blessing of now being sandwiched between my husband and best friend as I sit in SS and church.  I can not even begin to express the joy this brings me especially after feeling completely alone for over a year at SCCC in VA.  It feels so good to know that two my most treasured people now share my faith.

My brokenness is being healed, slowly but surely.  I was actually asked yesterday if my love tank was being filled.  This nearly moved me to tears, first because it was and second because he thought to ask.  

I am now convinced that there is nothing better than spending an evening with your own family and then after the kiddos are safely tucked away in bed, being curled up watching TV or a good movie.  Wrapped in love, feeling (for once) completely safe and loved. . .

While sitting in MOPS this morning I was surprised to hear my phone vibrating from my purse.  I ignored it, no one ever calls me, it was probably just another wrong number.  If it was really important they’d either call back or leave a message.  When another soft buzz sounded signaling a voice mail my curiosity got the best of me and I peeked.

I did a double take to see Nancy printed on the screen.  My friend from VA whom I hadn’t spoken to or seen in months, even before the move.  I smiled.  She was a good friend, one I thought of and prayed for often.  But we had sorta fell out of sync after she ditched PC for Mary Kay.

Once home I worked at building up the courage to dial her number.  I’m so happy I did.  We reconnected, caught up and chatted for nearly an hour.  When in VA we could spend nearly all day on the phone as we went about our daily housework, chatting about PC, recipes, kiddos, whatever. . .

Ryan loves his new bed. 

So far 2006 hasn't exactly gotten off to the rockin' start I was hoping for . . . but the year is still young. 

New Year's Day was fabulous.  We were at Grammy's and it felt good just to be with family.  To listen to the kids laughing hysterically in the next room over dinner and remember when we where little and carefree . . . days of tractor rides, Attack, and The GREAT Stoneboro Fair. . . 

I started two new quilts, which always makes me feel good.  Something about quilts just makes me happy.  One is for Ryan who has just been graduated to a regular TWIN bed.  The other is for my best friend’s baby, due in just a few short weeks.

I awoke this morning feeling bitter and frustrated.  Most likely due to lack of sleep and my life going no where but ‘round in pathetic little circles. 

I keep telling myself that 2006 is going to be my year.  But deep down I don’t believe it.  Why will this year be any different from any other year?  It’ll be long, lonely and pretty much disappointing just the other 25 years I’ve managed to somehow survive.

But today is Christmas Eve and I’m pretty much baffled.  Usually this is a day I find immense joy in.  I LOVE Christmas.  But this year I just want to go back to bed. 

Wake me up in the Spring. . .