Are people capable of change?  I'm beginning to wonder—I know I have said multiple times I want to change, become a different, better person.  Have I. . . I think not.  I'm still the same dull, silent wall flower.  Wishing I was apart of something instead of just watching from the outside.

 

Yesterday was our Christmas Brunch at MOPS. . .  I stood in the middle of the room watching as the room grew increasingly crowded.  Listening as the voices grew in holiday excitement all around me.  I stood wondering what the heck is wrong with me. . .  why is it that I am incapable of carrying on a conversation, why is it that my brain just freezes up and I can't think of a darn thing to further the conversation?

 

But the morning did get better.  We finally were asked to sit down and I was faced with a friendly somewhat familiar face and was drawn into the conversation.  The girl sitting to my left was a first timer . . . turns out we have a bit in common.  She actually lives just down the street for us.  Her husband just got out of the military and her girls are 5 and 6.  I found myself chuckling to myself, as this woman was basically carrying the conversation at our end of the table and actually had the nerve to say that she had become an introvert since moving to the country.  Please I thought . . . you must not know the definition of the word! 

 

I also have a future party looming in the future and am so excited!  I'm working hard to convince myself that if I can just make it through DEC with out going in active that I will in fact have a fabulous 2006!  I'm looking forward to this dreadful year being over and just a memory.  I have high hopes for the New Year and our new life in CNY.

 

Yesterday I headed over to the church to help with the Christmas decorations.  I was so happy, and had so much fun.  I just made me happy to feel like I was actually part of something.  For so long at other churches I just felt like I was there, I never made any connections or formed any real relationships.  It felt so good to actually feel like I was part of the church, not just a casual observer.   To feel like I belong. . .

 

I suppose everyone has one of those people in there lives.  The person who makes life so hard, who can move you to tears with their biting comments, who makes you just want to go back to bed and stay there until they're gone, until you are once again surrounded by those who love you most.

 

My battle with this particular person seems to be on going, with no end in sight.  A few weeks back I was convicted that I was harboring much bitterness toward this person, not that perhaps they didn’t deserve it.  But God revealed to me that this was only hurting me.  Then on Sunday in SS Class I was convicted again, I later chatted with my best friend who was sitting next to me in class, laughing that we had both felt as though the teacher was speaking right to us.  And resolved to continue praying and work on loving our “unloveables”. 

 

I’m now struggling with having to see said person again face to face.  Having to be in that house surrounded disapproval.  Knowing that I am not seen, but only my failures.  I nearly had a break down yesterday at the mere thought of having to face her again.

 

But this morning (as always) God was here.  As I prayed for my children, verses leapt off the page.  I was again praying through The Power of a Praying Parent.  The topic today was unforgiveness.  I quickly jotted down the references to the verses to look up later.  When I did I grudgingly admitted to myself and God that I had not been praying for her, had not been trying to forgive her.  But was allowing the bitterness and fear to come back and over take me.  I don’t want to live in darkness but in the light, I do not want to live in fear, but in the security that God is in control and taking care of me.  I want the light of God to shine through me and into the others around me.

 

 

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

 

“Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing to make him stumble.  But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded him”

1 John 2:10-11 NIV

 

“You have heard it said love your neighbor and hate your enemy.  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.  He causes the sun to rise on the evil and good, and sends rain in the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Matthew 5:44-45 NIV

I decided to break out the Christmas music today.  I was feeling a little Christmasy and figured what the heck, Thanksgiving is this week.  In my veiw the official kick off of the holiday season. 

My prayer the past few weeks if that my home and family would be a light house, that others might see the love of Jesus through us. 

So this song stuck with me today . . .

"Light your World"

by Newsong
from The Christmas Shoes Album

¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV

It’s so easy to get bogged down, to let devotions slip down on the list until you suddenly find yourself in a funk and realize—I haven’t been spending time in the WORD as I should.  I’ve let my devo time slide—I’ve just been “too busy”.  Please!  I’ve had a rotten past couple days.  Hmmm . . . could there be a connection. 

This morning I sat down with my coffee and Bible and dove in again.  Feeling God’s peace begin to wash over me.  Why I wondered do I get so busy with things that don’t matter, why do I let them crowd GOD out of my life.

I’ve decided I really need to take better care of myself, spiritually as well as physically.  This morning while praying for my kiddos (using The Power of a Praying Parent), I came across the verse at the top of this entry.  One that of course I’ve known for years but after spending all day yesterday trying to come up with a legitimate excuse to not go to the gym it kinda jumped out at me.

I want to be healthy.  I want to be (at least somewhat) trim and toned.  I’ve grown increasingly disgusted at the Amy in the mirror.  Even if I did one of the multiple fitness videos I have bought over the years it would be a vast improvement. 

So I’m starting my NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS a little early, maybe by the time the New Year rolls around I will have developed a new habit or two. 

1-      I am putting GOD first.  I will MAKE the time to have my DEVOTIONS and PRAYER time EVERYDAY

2-      I will put as much into my marriage as I want out of it.  I will make sure my husband knows with out a doubt I love him and he is a priority to me.

3-      I will take the time to read bedtime stories and do DEVOTIONS with my children before bed.  I will smother them with hugs and kisses so they know they are safe and LOVED

4-      I will try to make better choices in what I eat—such as eating one lemon square instead of half the pan. ;) (OK so I was a little depressed and stressed out last night)

5-      I will make an effort to exercise at least a couple times a week

I have been wrestling with doubt the past couple days.  Once again God has spoken to me, calmed my fears and renewed my hope.  This afternoon I sat down to do my devotions.  I read through the passage and felt as though I had just read complete gibberish.  Nothing made sense-- it was like I hadn't even been reading English.  But then just as I was about to flip back to the devo page a verse I had previously underlined leapt out at me.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV

It gave me hope.  Even though things are a little rough and it’s not easy.  In the end I know it will be worth it.  I believe with God anything is possible.  I believe that HE can change hearts and lives.  The world may see things one way but they can only see the outside.  Things go deeper than that.  Only God can truly know what is happening inside a persons mind and heart. 

As I sat there pondering this verse I had another verse spring to mind. 

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble but take heart!  I have over come the world.”

John 16:33  NIV

I had never given thought that God would sing, and more precisely sing over me!  The title of my devotions this morning was “The Singing God”.  The following verse is the scripture from which this devotion was inspired.

“The Lord you God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

 

It seems each day God has been revealing to me just what I need to read.  He has given me wonderful friends who are helping to keep me grounded and looking forward. 

 

A few weeks again Pastor gave an analogy of how small a quarter is in the overall scheme of things, and yet if you hold it up to your eye, that’s all you can see.    That’s how it is with your problems—if you hold them up and look at them that’s all you can see, you can see beyond them.  You can’t see the future that God has for you. 

 

God is always giving me songs, showing me verses to help me through the day.  Many of the verses and songs come together in songs I learned as a child from GT and the Halo Express.  Many of the verses I have committed to memory I learned with the help of GT.

 

My current soundtrack is Girls of Grace—by Point of Grace and various other female Christian artists.  I highly recommend it~!

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Yesterday’s Oprah was very poignant and I saw myself sown the road if I continue on the road I’m on now.  The women featured on the show were all at least 10 years older than me.   But I felt their pain.  I understood that lost feeling.  Not knowing who you are, feeling like you just fulfill the roles that are handed to you.

 

  I feel as though I’ve made a start.  I have thoughts in my head about change, about being the person God created me to be.  To make a difference in the world- to be a lighthouse and let God’s light shine through me.

 

But at times I feel so lost . . . I feel unimportant and unvalued.  I wonder at my core “Who am I?”  This was Oprah’s “homework” for everyone last night.  To really think about it and come up with an answer.  Right now I’m stumped.  Things come to mind like mommy, Christian, wife, quilter but as Oprah pointed out, these are all things you do.  Not who you ARE.

 

 

A link to yesterdays show on Oprah.com

 

Last night we attended the "Harvest Party" at our church.  It took some major cajoling to convince Mikayla that her costume would be fine and she would not be kicked out.  Her costume was actually a Barbie Princess—but for the party at church she became “Queen Ester”.  She was sure she would get in trouble because her teacher would know that she wasn’t really a Bible Character.  But in the end it was fine.  Everyone was happy to accept my little Barbie Princess/Queen Ester into the party.  I did over hear her confessing to her friend “Pharaoh’s Daughter”.  That it wasn’t actually a Bible costume because mommy couldn’t find a one at the store.

 

          Barbie Cloud Princess/Queen Ester and Tiger

"I FOUND IT!! "                           
The kids were turned loose for a major candy hunt!