I think my lack of sleep the past few weeks is beginning to catch up with me, not to mention the stress.  I went to be last night with a bad headache.  Was awakened at 3 am by the sound of rustling foil and a barking cocker spaniel—from which I must conclude there was a mouse exiting my bedroom.  EEK!  A short while later Ryan appeared with a sleepy hi mum and hi Riley he curled up and went to sleep.  I tossed and turned with visions of vermin scurrying throughout my room, while trying to ignore the throbbing in my head.

My alarm sounded a few hours later and I struggled to drag myself from bed and ready Mikayla for the day.  I tired to bribe her into buying a lunch so I wouldn’t have to pack one.  I offered to send her extra money to buy ice cream if she would buy.  “How 'bout,” she responded.  “I bring my lunch and you still give me money for ice cream.”  I sighed and resigned myself to finding something to pack for lunch.  There was no chance of convincing a picky eater like her to buy lunch when we had no idea what that lunch maybe.  (We haven’t receive our next lunch menu yet.)

After she had safely boarded the bus I returned to the couch.  Hoping maybe when I awoke my headache would lessen.  It hadn’t.

But now after half a bagel, a cup of tea, a soak in the tub, and having the house to myself, (Rhett and Ryan went out to the store J) I feel marginally better; the pain is reduced to a dull ache.  And I feel I should at least be able to survive the day and hopefully feel well enough to accompany the kiddos to the Harvest Bash tonight at church.

I feel like these days I'm living day to day, moment to moment.  Just trying to get through the next activity I have to complete.

We are starting over here in so many ways.  I'm not sorry to put the military lifestyle behind me.  It was so much harder than I ever thought possible.  At times I felt guilty because so many wives I met love it, and love the adventure of not knowing where they are going next.  But I've come to peace realizing that not everyone is the same, not everyone is cut out to be a Marine wife.  Some people need roots, a home that is solid a stable.  Although now I've come to see that maybe the problem wasn't so much the MC but that maybe our foundation wasn't but on what it should have been.  I was trying hard to build it alone on my faith.  But it’s hard to lay the foundation for marriage and family alone; with out the help of the person who is supposed to be your partner, your other half.

But now is the time to start over.  We have a new fresh future filled with possibilities.  We are now trying to relay our foundation together.  And build it on the solid rock of GOD.

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“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials because when he has stood the test he will receive the Crown of Life that God has promised to those who love him”

     James 1:12 NIV

“It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere.  Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him”

    Deuteronomy 13:4 NIV

Ryan had a great party yesterday.  He’s still struggling with the whole THREE year old concept!  After the party was over and we were sitting around the half eaten birthday cake he picked up two candles and stuck them back on the cake.  “There,” he said.  “I TWO!”

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Today’s verse—

He will stand and shepherd his flock

In the strength of the Lord,

In the majesty of the name of the LORD his God.

And they will live securely, for then his greatness

will reach the ends of the earth

And he will be their peace.

Micah 5:4-5 NIV

Ryan seems to be having trouble grasping the whole three year old thing.  We keep asking him how old he is to which he responds-- "I Ryan!"   If I prompt him saying-- "Ryan's Three!"  he says, "No!  I two!"

But to be fair, his birthday party isn't until Sunday-- he hasn't yet had the whole cake and presents experience so maybe that's what's throwing him off.

Today’s verse---

“He will cover with his feathers

& under his wings you will find refuge,

his faithfulness will be your shield & rampart.”

Psalm 91:4 NIV

Ryan's THREE!!!!

Saturday night the kiddos and I headed over to Laura’s.  She invited us over to carve pumpkins and then she and Mikayla had plans for a sleep over. 

Aside from Ryan’s dramatic refusal to eat dinner we had a great time.  The kids happily scooped out all the pumpkin goop, while I separated the seeds from the pulp to roast for later.

Aunt Laura and Liz did the actual carving while the kiddos looked on eagerly.  The pumpkins came out great with giant spooky smiles. 

The delicious aroma of pumpkins send (or as Ryan called them “pump’in beans”) filled the apartment.  Happy pumpkin faces glowed at us from the balcony.  Stormy aka Norm seemed happy if somewhat nervous to see us again.  The kids were ecstatic to see him again.  He seems to be adjusting ok to his new home. 

“Peace I leave you with my peace.  My peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  So not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

Yesterday my self pity and despair began to evaporate.  I also realized that I had not done my devotions since sometime last week and decided it was time to dive in again.  I had misplaced my little “daily bread” book and thus had lost motivation to come up with something on my own to read.  But it finally occurred to me that maybe I should take advantage of the studies built right into my Bible (I have the “Women of Faith Study Bible”, NIV).  I scanned through the list of topics looking for something to do with peace and came upon the title “Peace, Joy, Hope”.  What better topic could I possibly find?  I had been feeling frustrated, lost and miserable.  It was just what I needed.  I felt like the dark cloud dissipated and I could move on. 

This morning I continued on my journey with the topic “Struggling with Doubt”.   I’m fairly confident that God has a plan and a place for us.  And even now is preparing our place, a home of our own and a job for Rhett.  I only wish Rhett shared my confidence.  Every time I talk to him I’m left slightly shaken and a little worried that we are really in for the rough roads he foresees ahead.

I know it’s scary, I know its going to be a BIG change.  But I’m forever optimistic—hoping that the next turn will lead us down a better path.

But I keep repeating my verse (Jeremiah 29:11) like a mantra trying to dispel the bad feelings and remember that God is firmly in control and he wants the best for us.

The future doesn’t have to be a dark scary place—I can see the light just over the horizon.

Saturday I was completely disgusted with my life.  Feeling I need to change who I am.  At times I think I lack even the most basic social skills that allow you to carry on a conversation with those you may meet in a day’s time.   I strolled around the mall purposely catching glimpses of myself in any reflective surface I passed.  Not because I’m vain but because each time I suppose I was hoping to see some else starring back.  Not the face of some frumpy teenager who in actuality is a much more mature 25, with a husband of 7 years and two wonderful children and a potentially successful Pampered Chef business.  As I walked I came across dozens of high school students enjoying their freedom from classes.  And I wondered is this how the world sees me—as some young inexperienced kid fresh out of school.

I need a makeover.  I’d love to get on one of those shows like “What not to Wear” or “How do I look”  But then I don’t think I could handle the humiliation they put you through, and I really have little desire to be on TV.

I’m just tired of being the person that the world sees me as.  I wish I could be the person I am when I’m alone, the person I am inside my head.